Tower: Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?
Pilot: Negative, Sir. It's only the same pilot.
Pilot: Tower, please call me a fuel truck.
Tower: Roger. You are a fuel truck.
Tower: Shamu Two Two, please state estimated time of arrival.
Pilot: Ok, let's see..., I think Tuesday would be nice.
A baron is coming in to land at San Francisco.
PILOT: Baron four lima golf, final runway 27 right.
TOWER:Baron four lima golf, clear to land runway 27 right.
PILOT: Baron four lima golf, Roger.
TOWER: Baron four lima golf, go around, there is no runway 27 right!!
PILOT: Baron four lima golf, Oh Dear!!!!
Pilot: Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo established ILS16.
Tower: Oscar Oscar Kilo, Guten Tag, cleared to land 16, wind calm - and by the way: this is Wien Tower.
Pilot: (after a while of thinking) Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed the outer marker.
Tower: Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more: you are approaching Vienna!
Pilot: (after a while of thinking) Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?
Tower: You can believe me, this is Vienna
Pilot: (after another while of thinking) But why? We want to go to Bratislava, not to Vienna!
Tower: Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger. Discontinue approach, turn left 030 and climb to 5000 feet, vectors to Bratislava.
Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR
Tower: You have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!
Pilot: Give us another hint, we have digital watches!
Mi 2601: Tower, this is Mi 2601, mayday, mayday, low on fuel
Tower: Roger mayday, Mi 2601, request your position, your altitude, your heading, your rest fuel, your pob's, your aerodrome of departure, your weapon load, your . . . . . .
Mi 2601: SHUT UP YOU STUPID TOWER CONTROLLER, YOU'RE TALKING NOW TO A B52-GLIDER-PILOT
Controller at boeing field in washington: 4753, state your intentions....
4753: boeing tower, I want to get all my instrument ratings, then my twin, turboprop, and jet ratings, then be a pilot for isreal airlines...
Tower: I mean in the next five minutes
Advice from an old pilot: "If you lose your engine/s at night, keep her steady until you're down to around 2000 ft, then turn on your lights. If you don't like what you see, turn your lights off"!!